Having Your Children With You in Church

I once had a choir director mock stuffy churches by tapping his baton on the music stand and quipping, “Quiet that baby! We’re about to make art!” We all laughed very hard, because of course church not supposed to be like that.

But as parents, Emily and I know the flip side. No matter how warm the people are, when your child is the one struggling, it always feels like that.

When our children were young, we had them in Church with us for the singing at three years old and for the whole service at five years old. This wasn’t something we insisted on at first. It was just how our church did things. And it scared us. But we quickly came to see how good it was for our children to be there. I was leading the singing back then, and I so cherish the memories of Sarah lifting her hands while singing at four years old and Lydia dancing in the aisle at three. We had some misadventures too, which humbled us and taught us valuable lessons.

And so, as our church makes the move to having 4th and 5th graders in worship with their parents, I want to take a moment to acknowledge how scary that may be for parents and also offer some advice, most of which comes from Emily, on making it into a good experience. If this move means your child will be in worship with you, or if you want to bring them in before 4th grade, I hope you’ll see it as an opportunity to engage your children in worship rather than something to be afraid of.

The most important thing–by far–is to enjoy being there yourself. They can tell if Mom believes that God is in the room and Dad is listening closely to the sermon. Your joy and reverence in worship will make a difference even if the children feel bored and miss much of what is said.

This is because children learn joyful, reverent worship by being immersed in it. They learned the English language the same way, by being immersed in it before they understood it. Swimming in a sea of people saying things they didn’t understand, they picked up one piece of the puzzle at a time. They will pick up these pieces the same way. But only if the people around them are actually awestruck by Jesus. If we’re faking it, the kids are immersed in hypocrisy, and that will be the language they learn. So worship Jesus earnestly yourself. I would even go as far as to choose where you sit carefully, sitting with people who love kids and love Jesus, so that your children breathe the air of God-fearing worship. Church, this is a call to all of you: be that adult whose worship shows our children how wonderful Jesus is.

On that foundation of a good atmosphere, start teaching your children the nuts and bolts of Sunday Worship, the pieces of the puzzle. What I mean is teaching them what to do when. Show them how to bow their heads when we pray. Use your hand to follow along with the words when we sing and read Scripture so they’ll know they’re supposed to engage with it. Let them hold the bulletin and the Bible when they’re ready (or before they’re ready). When our kids were small, we would hold them in our arms during the singing so they could see and so we could look them in the eye, smile, and sing together. This was so they would learn it was time to sing and that singing was fun.

We found journals to be very helpful for keeping their attention and making Sunday special. The kids wanted to “take notes like Mommy does.” So we got them each a special notebook for church and told them to draw a picture or write down whatever stuck out to them in the singing or the sermon. Most of it didn’t stick. But we were surprised how much did! We still have the picture Anna drew when I preached about the seven-headed dragon devouring the woman giving birth from Revelation 12. We have a stash of blank journals for them, which they can decorate however they want. Let them know, if they show me or Mr. Ian their sermon notes or their picture based on what they sang or heard preached, they can grab something from the prize box we made just for them.

Then, find a consistent time to ask questions before you leave the sanctuary, on way home, or in the afternoon. Be sure to let them ask questions too! Don’t worry about them understanding everything. They’ll have plenty more chances. But answer their curious questions and slowly fill in the picture. This is also a good time to praise every child who does well and briefly note what, if anything, you hope they’ll do better next time.

It’s tough to know what to do when they misbehave. Particularly, when do you correct them in the service and when do you take them outside? Our advice is to correct them during the service any time they aren’t doing what you taught them to do, to take them into the foyer if distracting behavior becomes a pattern, and to take them out to discipline them if they directly disobey you or do anything serious. That meant we corrected a lot and left the room a few times.

So that’s our advice: worship with joy yourself, teach and correct them actively, and talk with them about it before and after.

If you do all that, you’ll be busy teaching, correcting, bouncing crying babies in the foyer, and finding their place in the pew Bible when you’d like to be singing or listening to the sermon. Do not feel one shred of guilt about that. You’re doing exactly what Jesus calls of you, and so he receives all of it as an act of worship. This is in part because he calls you to pass his ways along to your children and in part because he knows and understands you.

Maybe that makes a good final word: he sees your work, knows the challenge, and is with you. So don’t lose heart when they act bored or it feels like nothing is getting through. He promises to be there when we gather and when we make disciples. And there you are doing both at the same time. So without a doubt, he’s with you. And, of course, so are we.